Top Ten Marketing Strategies for Aspiring Parkour Pros
It's a dog-eat-dog-world out there for aspiring parkour professionals. If you want to get filthy rich in the pk game, you have to build an audience and differentiate yourself from millions of other athletes. Most importantly, you have to be really talented. Or at least that's what we thought.... Until we ran into the Marketing and Freerunning Guru, Dylan Baker, who gave us the real inside scoop with his top ten marketing strategies for aspiring parkour professionals.
1) Reach Out to your Favorite Parkour Athlete and Say, "hi"
This is the single best use of your time. Don't tell this person who you are, or what you want, or compliment them on a recent video. This would establish too much trust and credibility. Instead, be mysterious and don't reveal anything. If you don't receive a response, be persistent and never alter your message! Other marketers might suggest that you try a new tactic, but that's what quitters do and YOU'RE NOT A QUITTER!!!
2) Build your FaceBook Empire in 3 Easy Steps:
Step 1: You MUST have a Parkour Nickname
Come up with a catchy new name for your Facebook profile, so people won't be able to resist the temptation to accept your friend request. Try this fail proof formula: "Your first name, followed by 'parkour,' followed by the name of a generic arboreal animal."
Example: "Dylan Parkour Monkey," or "Ahmed Parkour Squirrel"
If you are looking for a bit more flare, try adding the word "Urban"
Example: "Salesh Parkour Urban Sloth"
If arboreal animals aren't your thing, I have the perfect alternative for you! "Spyder" It is very important that you use the letter "y" instead of spelling it correctly!!!
Example: "Jordan Parkour Urban Spyder"
If this name formula doesn't get you a 100% conversion-rate on friend requests, I don't know what will! .... Wait, actually I do: Do you still have a picture of your face as your profile picture? Bad call! Proceed to step 2!
Step 2: Change your profile picture to a laid out backflip off of something very high.
If you can't backflip, consider jumping in one of these completely natural looking positions...
Step 3: Strategically fill up your friend limit on FaceBook
Search names starting with the letter A. For example, "Adrien". Add everyone named Adrien as your friend. Move onto another name that starts with A until you run out of names for that letter. Move onto names starting with the letter B. Go through the entire alphabet in this fashion until you have maxed out your friend limit.
3) Create an Athlete Page and Invite all your New "Friends" to "Like" it
Don't stop there! If you are in a coffee shop, wait for the guy next to you to go to the bathroom. Coffee is a diarrhetic, so hopefully he will be in there for a while. Immediately start inviting all of his friends to like your page. Repeat this step with anyone who foolishly leaves their FaceBook open while you are around. If you have time to spare, make a funny post. If you draw a blank,"I like poop," is always a solid choice.
4) Create a Public FaceBook Group Titled, "Urban Monkey Parkour and Freerunning"
Yes, there are thousands of other groups titled the exact same thing. Doesn't matter! Add all your "friends" to the group and incessantly post your videos in the group. Be relentless with your self-promotion while you still can, because people will inevitable start removing themselves from the group. If they forget to click the option "don't let anyone add me back into this group,"....... be sure to add them back into the group. Continue to do this until they figure out how to not allow you to add them back into the group. If this person unfriends you, add them as a friend again. If they block you, good riddance! They don't deserve to witness your gifts!
5) Post your Video on FaceBook and Tag ALL of your "Friends" in the Post
When you run out of space in your post, start tagging people in the comments. Remember, people can remove a tag from a post, but they can't remove a tag in a comment, so this is a terrific way to force yourself on people.
6) Add your Entire Friend List to a Private Message and Send your Video to all of them
WARNING: If you are afraid of gaining instant respect and millions of views, don't do this! If you notice that people are leaving the message, resort to number 7 below...
7) Send your Video in a Private Message to each of your Friends, Individually
Remember to personalize each message with this tried-and-true phrase: "like, comment, subscribe, share!". People are very receptive to this level of personalized attention and they will definitely do all four of those things without questioning who you are, or why they should care about your brilliant video. Speaking of brilliant videos....
8) Use a Song that Someone Famous already Used in your Next Video
Go to youtube and type in, "parkour." Choose a video from the first page of results and use that song for your next video. The fact that your video has a song that was featured in a popular one automatically makes your video popular. It's simple logic. I'm not sure why you didn't think of it yourself. Speaking of novel ideas....
9) Invent a New Move
The easiest way to accomplish this is to do an old move, but add your own flare to it. Foot grabs are ideal, but if you can't grab your foot because you have the flexibility of a brick, just grab your shin. Speaking of shins.... Any move that starts or ends on your shins has probably not been done before (because no one cares). Capitalize on this foolish oversight and own all the shin tricks!
If you can't come up with a new move, find an old one that you haven't seen someone do in a while and just give it a new name. You will experience immediate backlash for this, but hang in there! Remember, there is no such thing as bad press. Let the wave of angry comments swing the FaceBook algorithms in your favor. The more comments your video has, the more people will see it. Ride out this wave and resist the urge to cry from all the hatred.
Once you have invented your new trick (or stolen one and made it your own), you will want to name it.
You have 2 options:
Option 1: Name it after yourself
Option 2: "completely arbitrary word, followed by the word 'Bomb'"
Examples: "Applejack Bomb", "Artichoke Bomb"
10) Bail HARD and Upload it to your Athlete Page
Let's face it; parkour is kind of difficult and a lot of people are already really good at it. The market for being a talented parkour athlete is pretty saturated, so instead of going that route, consider being a Class-A-Fuck-Up.
Here's how: Don't intentionally bail. People can sense when you aren't genuinely fucking up. Instead, try to find challenges that you think you might be able to do, but aren't quite sure of. Slightly slippery or unsteady surfaces are perfect catalysts, but it is important that you have some hope in the cause. Otherwise it will be hard to convince yourself to commit. These scenarios yield themselves to be very authentic looking bails, which are the key to your success!
Post your bail on FaceBook, but remember: "Best Parkour in the World" WILL rip it from your page immediately, so include a watermark with your page url to acquire more bail-thirsty fans.
Well that's it! Have something to add to this list? Too bad; fuck off!
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